6 Months Without You

6 month balloon release

Here I sit yet again in total disbelief that this is the life I was handed. Completely beside myself in utter awe that I have a sister that I visit at a cemetery. In 2 days we will hit the 6 month mark of the day this earth lost 1 beautiful girl. 6 very long months, yet 6 months that I can’t believe I have survived.

How I get up each morning and function each day is a mystery unto me. There are days I just want to give up.  There is probably a point of time in every single day that I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to all of this pain and heartache. I’ve made hundreds of analogies regarding this pain I have to live with and none ever seem to describe it just right. I try to think of things to compare it to and I get frustrated when I can’t think of a comparable circumstance. However, thank God I can’t, because I would not want any other pain in life to compare to this one. At times I feel like a frustrated toddler who can’t find the words to express himself….not being able to find the words to tell others how I feel is a pain itself. It’s hard to explain that frustration.

This ones for you Jess,

“Life is one big road with lots of signs, so when you’re riding through the ruts, don’t you complicate your mind: Flee from the hate, mischief and jealousy! Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality.”  — Bob Marley

Thankful

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the need to get on here and share. There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last several weeks…..and I’m still trying to sort through all of those, as well as try to keep my focus on my healing.

I had an awesome gift from Jessica given to me late last night. Jessica lost her phone at amanda’s aunt’s house on the night of  our fathers birthday (August 3rd). Jess searched the couch that she knew she lost it in, high and low and so did Amanda. We gave up on ever finding it..thinking perhaps it had been stolen. Of course after the accident that is all I wanted was for that phone to turn up, as I knew if was full of videos and pictures of Jessica. The couch was searched once again and no luck. That was until last night when Amanda’s cousin lost her own phone and checked in the couch and what do you know…there was Jessicas’s phone. In the very couch that had been searched by others.

There are no coincidences here….Jess knew exactly when I needed that phone returned to me. I have not heard my sister's voice since the night of the accident and I spent hours every day picturing her saying certain phrases so as I wouldn’t lose that memory. Her phone was full of videos of her in her most purest form. With her friends laughing and having fun. To see her smile, and hear her voice, and laugh and joke around, felt like she was sitting right beside me. She literally saved my soul last night from so much pain ….it’s an unexplanable rush and high and a momentary peace.

Of course today I’ve watched them all again and gone through every photo and this time I cried…..a sadness poured over me….she was so full of life and energy and enthusiasm and love…..she never saw this coming and never even had a chance.  You would think after nearly 6 months it would fully sink it …..but I’m here to tell you that is not the case. Daily I expect to see her come rushing through the door and head straight for her room yelling “hey Brittany!”

I know I’ve said it before and as believers we all know, it’s not Jessica that is sad or regretful…..it is all of those left behind. The selfish sister who just wants to see her sister. 

So here goes another day in this cruel world and a painful walk in my journey of life.