Happy Birthday Jess

Yesterday (January 30) marked mine and Jessica’s 21st birthday. I kept thinking all week that I would sit down and write out this long blog about Jess and all of my feelings and where I am right now on my journey…..and each day came and went and I just couldn’t share my pain for some reason.  Yesterday was difficult to say the least…I certainly didn’t miss Jess any more than normal ( I don’t think it’s possible to ever top this pain or level of loneliness) but celebrating a milestone like this without her present tore me apart in a brand new way.

Jessica’s headstone was set yesterday morning, it was so very important to me that it was up in time for her birthday and I thank  Shawn (a God-send funeral director) that it was. I sat in that cemetery yesterday morning and tried to watch them “set” her stone… I made it about 20 minutes before I could no longer watch.  Can you imagine that as a sister…as a bestfriend? That FINAL marking of her death…. the monument that marks who she was and reminds people of her life….speechless, that’s how it left me.

It is a truly beautiful stone and it defines her well……and that’s hard to even admit. I went back and visited her later and all I could think is that Jess would have been so sad and broken to know that her life on this earth would be cut so short. She would have been devastated to know how broken her entire family is without her…. However the milestones that we will all miss with her breaks me into a million little pieces.

Jordyn and I went back to visit Jessica yesterday for our birthday and take her balloons and flowers…we then spent our day celebrating Jessica; manicures and pedicures that Jess loved so much and dinner at her favorite restaurant. I even ordered her favorite meal, just for her. There were definitely laughs shared at the table as we talked and reminisced about Jess…but the pain remained and waited patiently for me to get home and release what I was holding in.  This morning we had a birthday breakfast with Jessica’s best friends. I won’t lie, I left there today angry. Angry that my sister is gone.

I have stated this before somewhere in one of my blogs that you really need to be thankful for what you have…too often I see and hear so many complaints about such petty things in life or even things that with hard work and determination can be changed…..I (and MANY others just like me) are facing a battle that we can never ever change no matter how hard we want, pray and plead….this is as good as it gets for us.  I’m certainly thankful for my friends and family that love me and I KNOW that it could also be worse for me… But what I do recognize is the importance of the true things in life. It’s way too easy to get caught up in yourself and small issues in life and lose sight of the bigger picture, I’ve certainly been there too.   Jess hated drama and she hated sweating the small things in life. She lived for having fun and loving her friends and family.

5 Months

5 months ago today I lost a chunk of my heart that will never heal or be replaced. I simply can’t believe that when I wake each morning that you will not be there.  I can still hear your laugh and see your smile and I’m terrified for the day when your voice fades from my memory. Grieving and healing are an odd pair.

For any sister (or brother) who has lost a sibIing I can only imagine that you feel the same as me…..when does it start feeling real?  I know she is gone but there are times when it simply feels unreal…too heavy, too incomprehensible, too  tragic for me.

There are so many exhausting tasks to be had after someone dies….things that in a million years I NEVER imagined myself doing. Receiving the autopsy report for Jessica was bone crushing painful but I did something yesterday that was just as painful if not more……I picked up Jessica’s death certificate. I held that in my hand and cried like a baby…Just like a birth certificate with its place of birth, time of birth, parents names…..the death certificate is eerily similar yet so different.

To see on a piece of paper that my sister's place of death was a “roadway” and that her cause of death was Multiple Body Trauma due to a Motor Vehicle Crash (passenger-belted)….wow the details. There was more that I will spare you the details of…but can you imagine as a sibling holding that piece of paper in your hands and trying to comprehend it and then trying to go about and live your life and raise your sister's children and go to your job and well, just simply function?

Happy New Year!!!

The start of a brand new year is typically shared in with celebrations, hopes, dreams, resolutions and goals for the upcoming year ahead. Mine as you can well imagine, was brought in with an enormous mound of grief and sadness. I thought a lot about the years past and even some of the great memories of 2010. However, my mind quickly zoomed to August 22nd…..the day my world stopped turning.  I have this continual knot in my stomach and lump in my throat, and I wish, that I could turn back time…if only for a moment.

My heart is heavy tonight for everyone that is missing Jessica. I am angry that my sister's kids have lost their mother and angry that to our earthly minds, none of this makes sense. I am trying to find the good and the purpose in this loss.

I thought a lot today about when people make new years resolutions and how silly they are because 9 times out of 10 you set unrealistic goals.  I have set ONE goal for my life and that is TO MAKE IT COUNT. We get one shot on this earth and as we have seen,  life is gone in moment and often times without warning. Make yours count! I want what I do every day to make a difference in either my own life, the lives of my future children or the lives of others. I’m going to make it count for my sister.