Merry Christmas Jessica

Boy did I need this verse today. Every day is torturous without Jessica, and I was prepared for today to not be any different. I was wrong. Today was worse!

I had 19 Christmas’ shared with my sister….today was like someone was slowly suffocating me but expecting me to continue to breathe.  It started late last night I looked at the stockings hanging and noticing that Jessica’s would remain empty was a knife to the heart. I sat and stared at her stocking and cried and simply longed for her.

This morning as every one slowly woke to open gifts (thank God the kids sleep in), I dreaded going downstairs and seeing the empty spot where Jess always sat to open her presents. The kids had a great Christmas and for awhile my mind was occupied and we enjoyed each other. But like always it doesn’t take long for the aching for Jessica to return and I have to keep the smile on my face while inside I’m being torn apart.

I went and visited with Jessica yesterday evening, alone. I sat with her and talked with you as I typically do. Today was so emotional I could hardly remember how to breathe. My tears started before I even got out of my car….the realization that the cemetery is where I have to go to visit my sister on Christmas now. Yes, I am well aware that Jessica is not “there”. However, the only body I ever knew my sister in, is there, right there in that cold ground. That’s where I go to feel close to her.

To say that any of us felt a “void” today is the understatement of the year! As I’ve stated before, there simply aren’t words big enough and powerful enough to describe the pain and sadness that we all feel.

I read a few things on FB today in regards to people having “bad days” or “a disappointing Christmas’” and yes, while pain is pain and we all have crappy days and unfortunate circumstances in life; I just urge you all to step back and remember and recognize what is TRULY IMPORTANT in life and to know, it could always be worse. You could be visiting people you love at the cemetery each day.  I know Jessica has taught me to appreciate EVERY minute that I have on this earth with those that I love and everything else is irrelevant now…everything.

I hope each and every one of you had a Christmas filled with love.

Two Men

I was presented with Jessica’s autopsy this morning and the knot and sickness in the pit of my stomach has not subsided. The 2 coroners who told my family that Jessica died, were the same 2 that arrived this morning.  I’ve said it before and as you can well imagine, I am haunted by their voices and presence. 

I processed what they were telling me but in small fragments. I stayed busy after they left so as not to have to think too much about what the report said. It wasn’t until I had some time alone that I decided to read the report more in depth. I found myself reading a horrific nightmare on paper, unfortunately it was my reality and Jessica’s reality.

These are the moments when my anger begins to flare. I know we aren't promised tomorrow, but WHY did it have to be in such a horrific manner?!  Jessica didn’t die peacefully in her sleep Jessica was scared and died violently, if only for a split second, and now we are all left with the morbid details of the accident and of her death.  My heart is screaming because I am haunted by her death, not because she is in eternity, but how she had to get there.  How do I get past that how do any of us get past that?  HOW do I recover from the reality of how she died?

Unfortunately, I believe that I am asking questions that there simply are no good answers for……I believe the answer is, we don’t recover and we don’t put it to rest, we simply learn to breathe again and to walk again with this pain living inside of us.

I feel discouraged this evening and I hope that doesn’t disappoint those of you that tell me how strong I am. I am strong but I am weak, I am human and I am broken.

Confused?

I feel I am failing all you as I have no strength to share lately. I am in a darker place now than ever before.  Today has been an incredibly difficult day and the feeling of emptiness for my sister has overcome me with weariness. I see no conceivable end in sight for my sadness, and that scares me.

I’m angry today wondering how millions of people cheat death and live life on the edge and somehow make it out alive….yet my sister was doing everything right on the night she died…….and now I am left trying to figure out how we can ever possibly go on.

I have feelings inside that I don’t even know how to deal with and feelings that equate to exploding anger and rage……anger for a life taken too soon and rage of a sister who desperately wants to talk to her sister just one more time.

My brain is a mess with confusion and frustration because there are no words that can possibly describe this sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger, desperation, longing, weariness, depression, fear and grief that is all rolled into one and living inside of us. I’m terrified of my future and my sister's children’s future without the presence of Jessica; terrified that we have all been destroyed beyond repair.

Christmas shopping :(

I sat down this evening….or I guess it is now morning…..thinking I was going to write about how bittersweet my day was Christmas shopping , knowing there were no gifts to be bought for Jessica this year; no long list from her this year.

However, as I sat here I couldn’t get my nieces and nephew off my mind. My heart is so broken for them kids and the mother they lost way too soon. How in the world is that fair to two little girls, and a little boy? I can deal with my pain and sadness but how do young children? I ask for prayers for her children.  I pray that they always feel Jess near by and that they know as they get older their mother is always just a whisper away.

21 days til Christmas.

Eastyn, Brayden, and Harlow spending the last christmas with there mom (Christmas 2009)

The stockings are hung 

By the chimney with care

In hopes that when I wake

You will be there.

Words are inadequate today. My heart is so full of pain and sadness. I fear I will never be whole again. I fear Brayden, Eastyn and Harlow will suffer….they have been robbed of their mom who was whole.

I miss you Jessica and my pain is unmeasurable. The rain today was so significant of all the tears I have shed since you went away.

Hugs to you, you are missed beyond measure.

Love and miss you....

My Angel...

Today I’m at a place where I don’t know whether to rejoice because I like to hope she is somewhere better, or to scream with madness that she was ripped away from us way too soon; never to turn 21 never to marry, never share memories with her children…simply ripped from our lives.

The tears come often but they give no reprieve from the pain….and sometimes the pain is so intense there are no tears to be shed.

As I sat with her today, I became angry, angry that THIS is where I have to go to visit my sister! I realize she is in my heart and is all around me…..but I am angry that I can’t reach out and hug her, angry that I can’t tell her I love her and hear her say “love you more”.  I’m angry that I am living my worst nightmare and angry that there is NO ending to this pain, the most I can ever hope for is that I learn to live again with the pain, that is as good as it is ever going to get for any of us.