I have moments, where it feels almost like none of this is real and that Jess is going to come bounding through the door. I have moments where I look at her photos, watch her videos, stalk her Facebook and again it just isn’t possible that this is even my reality. She was full of life and laughter, she had plans, she had a boyfriend, she had dreams, she was on the schedule at work, she had a dentist appointment she had to go to, she had vacation planned, she had kids to feed and play with, she needed to clean her room and wash her car and the list goes on….there is just no possible way that it was her time to go. Or so that’s how my mind works anyway.
I had my very first dream of Jessica this week. I’ve dreamt of her a few times since she passed but they have been sad dreams where I am at the funeral and she is gone and lifeless…this one was different. It was so short and sweet but it is forever etched in my mind. I knew she was gone and I saw her from a distance and I ran to her and I hugged her so hard and so tightly that we fell to the ground and she was laughing hysterically at me. She never said a word but she just laughed and laughed and I saw her smile. I remember thinking in the dream “is she invisible or can others see her, I wonder if it looks like I’m hugging the air right now?” Then I thought who cares!!! I woke up and the tears hit me and I literally could not move…
As most of you are aware Tuesday March 4th marked 7 months without this beautiful girl. The days don’t get any easier, if anything they are harder because it’s just that much longer since I have talked to her and heard her and seen her smile. But I will admit and I’ve probably said this before, it has definitely gotten easier to pretend. I’ve become an award winning actress at pretending I am “okay”….. and that might not be all bad. I still have no idea how I will survive the rest of this lifetime on earth without her.
