Your princess

You told me I was your princess and you said it was your job to be sure that I knew it. You told me I was beautiful. You wanted to spend all day with me, you couldn’t take your eyes away. You would say good morning at sunrise. You left me gifts and suprised me with flowers. You told me you'd never leave and that I was your best friend, You told me I was your princess and I believed you. There was no doubting the reality.

Sunrise came. I put on makeup. I did my hair. I felt no purpose to do any of it. I moved through my day, as typical as could be. I ate alone. I put my headphones in. I painted and sang. Dusk came. I went to bed. I looked at my phone to see if maybe you had tried to talk to me today.

And all along this boring lonely living, I saw that my phone had been off all day. I hadn’t noticed. Silence has become so typical. Distance is such an expectation. Tomorrow your princess will wear no make up, this beauty won’t do her hair. Because that princess name has long set sail, and I know you won’t even come around to see. I love and miss you. I'm sorry for everything!!

I Promise Brylee Rae....

I’m never going to leave you. You will have to go to daycare while mommy works during the week, but I will always come home to you, to play with you, to cuddle with you.  If you had any idea how much I miss you when I’m away…  and how much I wish I could stay home with you everyday, instead of only two days a week.
I promise you’ll have everything you ever need. If you had any idea how much you've changed me already…  and how much you made me realize what is truly important. It's not those drunken night, that I won't remember, it's the sleepless nights with you by my side that I do remember that is important.
I’m going to do EVERYTHING in my power not to let anyone hurt you ever again, and i understand that when the time comes, things will need to be explained, and it won’t be easy for you or for me, but everything I will have ever done would have been in what i felt was your best interest. I hope you understand that.  

I love you...

Broken Ribs and car wreck :(

I broke 2 ribs a couple of days ago but I stopped wearing my bandages though. I’ve been lying about what happened saying I did it in my sleep or something, pretending that it’s not a big deal but that’s not what happened. My ex was mad that I was avoiding him so he came to my house to convince me to forgive him. He used to hit me and when I tried to shut the door, he pushed in and threw me to the floor. When I told him to leave he kicked my side and broke my ribs. I was having trouble breathing the next night and started having a panic attack so I stupidly called my friend and she threatened to call the police if I didn’t go to the hospital. I pretended I did and called a help line to figure out my other options. They instructed me to wrap my back ad side for 3 weeks I refuse to go to a doctors. I kept it wrapped for about a week until the swelling went down. I’m fine now but I was kinda reckless yesterday and banged them again. There is no swelling but I am quite sore and it hurts to move my shoulder. I really don’t know what to do any more. I just wish there was a way for me to remove him out of my life. Not only this but he decided he was going to follow me one day as I was going to work (like a week ago). I didn't notice it til I was at a red light and got hit. The fact that he can rear end me, with my baby in the car really upsets me. Hurt me all you want, but don't try to hurt her. I need to get this man out of my life for good. I don't want anything to do with him. Why can't he just move forward with his life. Like I am, I am happy with my new man in my life but, I am afraid that he will end up giving up on me, because he won't be able to handle everything that I go through. 

She's One

The most bitter sweet day I have had so far. I love to watch her grow and conquer milestones but the thought of my baby not always being a baby is already hard. Either way I continue to love you more each day. It’s not that I look at her and sigh wistfully, wishing she were tiny again, because I don’t.I really don’t want her to stay a baby forever.  But she IS my baby, and now she is going to be my toddler. I think I’m not ready to use the word toddler. I’m not ready to begin measuring her age in terms of years, not months. I’m not ready for her to be that much closer to school age.

I am, however, ready for her to be able to talk to me. I’m ready for her to be able to stand up without worrying about her falling over and hitting his head. I am ready for teething to be over. I’m ready to hear her say Mama and actually mean me. I am excited on her behalf, and I am excited to see the big girl, teen, and woman she will become.

Just not very quickly.

Happy first birthday, lil B!! You are a treasure, and we’re so unbelievably thankful that you're mine!

Her Birthday party yesterday 6-1-13

I should have known.

I have learned so much from such a horrible experience. I honestly am glad I now know how to sever toxic relationships with people or things from my life.

I should have known the first time you yelled at me for spending time with my friends.
I should have known when you’d make me feel guilty for being with my own family over you. 
I should have known when you wouldn't allow me to be alone.
I should have known when you completely cut me off from my friends. 
I should have known when you’d make me choose you over school, 
I should have known the first time you called me a bitch. 
I should have known when “bitch” became a regular thing.
I should have known when “bitch” progressed to “dumb slut.”
I should have known the first time you screamed at me, and the first time you screamed at me for hours. 
I should have known the first time you started calling everything I enjoyed stupid, causing me to suppress myself and to try to ignore the person I really am.
I should have known the first time you punched a hole in the wall. 
I should have known the first time you started throwing things in arguments.
I should have known the first time you firmly grabbed me by my wrist or arm.
I should have known the first time you pushed me. 
I should have known the first time you kicked me, when I was already on the ground. 
I should have known the first time you grabbed me by my neck, holding me up with my feet a foot off the ground. 
I should have known the first time you yelled at me, insulted me, or physically pushed me off of you and onto the ground during sex because “I wasn't into it” when the sex was without a doubt forced. 
Everyday you made me feel like shit for not wanting to and would get mad to the point where I would just give in. Usually I would end up crying and he wouldn't even notice because it was never about me. Sex was always unpleasant when I didn't want it, and it would often hurt me and still hurt days after. When he would notice I was crying he only got mad because I “ruined” it. He’d yell at me and call me names, it was always my fault and I needed to “stop being such a baby and start acting like I liked it.” Sex should never make you feel that awful. I am nervous now that any other sexual partner I have will be so difficult to please, and I’m constantly worried of doing something wrong. A normal person would tell you politely what they want, not forcefully fuck you and get mad when you’re not “into it.” because your not into them. I always spaced out until it was done, trying not to think about it. I did this nearly every day. Every damn day, for four years. I put up with all this shit every fucking day, and although you 100% caused my anxiety, I’m glad I dealt with such a mess because I will NEVER go through this again.
I never stood up for myself, I always accepted it was my fault and that I was the problem. To this day, I am still scared. I can’t handle confrontation or arguements without breaking down. When my friends get flustered and raise their voices, I get scared. I know they will never physically hurt me but anytime I get yelled at I shrink up and everyone else is so big and powerful, and here I am cowering and crying because someone got slightly upset with me. I’m getting better at handling it though

Surgery

As most people in my life already know, lately I have been having abnormal female problems. I guess I should start from the beginning. It all started back in August 2010, when I was in a car wreck. From September – November, I was bleeding and it wouldn’t stop. So finally I decided to go see the doctor. I explained that I didn’t have my period for 3 months, and now it’s here but  it has been 3 months straight non-stop bleeding. So she decides to examine me, after she is done violating me she say well it looks as if everything is normal, your body is just playing catch up. I just go with that answer, I mean after all she is the doctor. So I leave, and about 2 week later the bleeding stops.  So I go about my normal routine now from November – February, NO menstrual cycle, I don’t panic because I know I am not pregnant, finally in March it comes, and it’s normal. It continues to be consistent until after I have Brylee. Of course I was without it when I was pregnant, but I didn’t even think anything then. I found out I was pregnant, when I went to the doctor over being dizzy. Anyways 2012 is here, and I have a beautiful baby.  Well on mother’s day 2012 Mother Nature decides to pay me a visit. Little did I know she was planning to stay a while? So from May-September (4 Months) bleeding and it just continues. One day as I am getting ready for work, I feel like I am going to pass out. I was already pasty white, and always freezing. So I decide that I am going to call in and go to the doctor. I go to the doctor, and they decide to check my blood, and tell me to come back in a week. So I continue to bleed, I go back to the doctor, and it appears my all my organs are working great, as well as my thyroid. Well she notices that my progesterone level is low, and says its post menopause. She wanted to put me on some medicine to see if that will help, but before we can try the medicine she wants to run a EKG to check my heart. After running an EKG they say that my heart doesn’t appear to be getting enough blood flow. They tell me to try taking iron pills, and the other medicine she gave me and come back in a month so in November. So I go back in a week, and they prick my finger, and tell me that my hemoglobin is a level 5, and I need to go to the hospital and get fluids in me. So I drive myself to the hospital.

Hospital….

Once I got to the hospital they seen me immediately but, I was stuck in the Emergency room patient room, for like 3 hours. They just gave me saline. Then took me back for a ultra sound, vaginal and over the stomach. I was really impressed with the ultra sound tech guy. He told me he wasn’t going to look at me down there, all I had to do was put it in, and he would guide it. They (him and a female nurse) also continued to have a conversation with me to distract me. Then once that was done I went back to the emergency patient room, and waited for them to get me admitted to a regular patient room. Where I would receive blood transfusions, we ended up doing a half a unit before getting into the room. Then once I got into the room, I finished that unit and received two more. It took about 24 hours to get 3 units of blood into me. When the doctor came in to talk to me he mentioned that they found a very large cyst on my ovaries, and that I would need to follow up with an OBGYN as soon as possible. I said okay. By this time it was the first of December. I went home, and finished that week of work, and got a recommendation for an OBGYN Rebecca Walker. So we made an appointment with her, it was for a Wednesday. Went into her office, and was told they didn’t have me scheduled. Which was complete BS because we called, and they told us to get a release so they could see my information from the hospital, they then tell us they will fit me in. So they fit me in and I end up seeing Stephanie the PA-C. She came in and automatically wanted to examine me when she already knew what was wrong. Then she said I would like to get another ultra sound, we have a girl here that is the ultra sound tech that’s all she does. She may see something they didn’t. She tells me to go empty my bladder. Then I get undressed and lay on this table. Very uncomfortable, she then begins to perform a vaginal ultra sound, and I literally start crying.  She gets all huffy and puffy with me, and says well we can’t do it over the stomach because you emptied your bladder. REALLY, I was told to. Ha. So they send me back to the room, the PA-C comes, back in the room and says we would like for you to come back next we so we can try again, and try the over the stomach ultra sound, but come with a full bladder. I say okay, so I go to the counter, and make an appointment for next week.  Well next week comes; they actually had me on the schedule this time. I get called back, this time I go alone.  The doctor walks in, and says “Hi, I’m Rebecca Walker”. She goes on talking about what is wrong with me. She then says “We are going to have to put you to sleep, examine you, perform a D&C, and then surgery”. I look at her, and say “why do you have to put me to sleep to examine me?” She looks at me like I’m stupid and says “I’m not going to put you to sleep to examine you”. I then lose it, I just start balling my eyes out. She looks at me and says “You need to get over your anxiety issues”. She said go make an appointment for next week, and come back next week. Well the next week is Christmas. So I attempt to make another appointment the day after Christmas the 26^th, they tell me that they can’t see me then because they are closed it will have to be Friday. I said okay. I walk out, and get my brother and tell him I am not going to come back to that bitch. We get in the car, and I am crying the whole way home. I then tell everyone I am going to get a second opinion. Well let’s just say no one in my family was happy about that, especially my grandma.  So I get online and do some research and find, rateMD.com and find a male doctor who was rated highly by every client. I call and make an appointment. I explain my situation on the phone, and they put me on hold. They then put there nurse on the phone, who describes to me how dangerous a cyst as large as mine is, and if I start to experience a certain pain, I need to go the ER immediately, I proceed with my appointment, and get it made on… What do you know December 26^th? The day comes, and I meet this male doctor, which I was pretty nervous about. When he walked in he introduces himself, and sits down, and tells me to tell him my story from the beginning till now, and I do just that. He listened the whole time, and then tells me he’s going to have to do a vaginal ultrasound. I say okay, we go into the room, again he does it and I didn't scream. Hmmm. Once we are finished he prints pictures of the ultra sound. No one else offered that.  He then tells me that we are going to have to have surgery to get it removed. Tell me his scheduling nurse will be in contact with me. Well she ends up calling the 29^th, telling me they would like to schedule surgery for the 3^rd of January. I say okay. At this time, I am more worried about how I am going to get this short of a notice approved by my work. Well luckily I had an amazing supervisor who let me take new years eve off to get everything filled out, and sent to the doctor, and to my work. 

January 3^rd, the Surgery

The day is here, I got to the hospital and get ready for pre-op. They call me back, and I go back, and they check my blood pressure is high and they say I have tachycardia.  They then check my hemoglobin, which appears to be a 7. They tell me that we may have to second in line, instead of first, because they are going to have to give me blood transfusions. So I get the blood transfusions, as well as some medicine that is supposed to make me relax. Well I ended up calling this guy hot, who was right beside me, and started freaking out when they went to put the blue cap on my head, because I didn’t want it to mess up my hair. Well I end up getting the hair net, and wheeled to the operating room. I go to sleep almost instantly. When I wake up in recovery, I don’t see anyone that I know so I start crying and the put me back to sleep. The next time I wake up I look around, but I didn’t start crying, and they then call my parents to let them know that I am awake. I then get up and go get dressed, and get my papers, then get sent home. 

Post-Op

I go back to my doctor about 2 weeks after surgery, he tell me that surgery went well. However what they thought to be a cyst on my ovaries was a tumor the size of a premature baby, and it was on my fallopian tubes. He said it did come back non- cancerous which was great. I was super excited. Told me to come back in two month, and if my period wasn’t regular we would look into intense hormone treatments.

My Surprise Baby

Pre-Labor

Well...On Friday evening June 1st I decided that it would be a good idea to take a walk, they say walking help trigger your body going into labor. 

That evening we went to bed and at about 3:00am June 2nd I woke up with contractions. Now I have been having tons of braxton hicks contractions so I really did not think much about the contractions but it was odd that they were strong enough to wake me from a sound sleep. I tried going back to sleep but the continual contractions kept waking me up. At about 3:30am I decided to start timing them. It was odd that these contractions were coming so frequently. By 4:30am I decided to wake up my brother. The contractions were every 5-6 minutes apart for over an hour. My brother said I should call the doctor to be safe especially since I was going to have to have a c-section, so I did. My doctor said that I needed to head over to labor and delivery right away because I should not be having contractions that consistent for over an hour...So I decided to get up, shower, put my make-up on and do my hair! lol I really did not want to go in because I truly felt this was a false alarm but on the other hand the baby was still breech(They think this is because of my ex hitting me and pushing me while I was pregnant) so I knew it would not be safe to wait until the contractions were excruciating and only 2-3 minutes apart. I was apologizing to my brother the whole way there because I really felt like this was a waste of time and I knew he had to be at work in at 7:00am but he told me not to worry and it was better to be safe than sorry.

We finally arrived at the hospital and they hooked me up to monitors. At this point my contractions were actually getting stronger and becoming mildly painful. I was now having them consistently every 2-3 minutes. The nurse decided to check my cervix to see if I was dilated...and let me just say that was sooo PAINFUL!!! I figured the one good thing about having my stomach sliced open and having a c-section was at least they were not going to violate me and do the dreaded cervix checks! Well, after I was violated she looked surprised because I was only dilated to a 1.5! They decided to wait 1 hour and then they were going to check my cervix again!!! Yes twice in one day...The second time around it hurt just as much and once again I was still only dilated to a 1.5. Now my doctor decided to start me on fluids through an IV and their goal was to stop the contractions. If you get dehydrated contractions can start so they were going to see if hydrating me would maybe slow them down. Well, after 2 full bags of fluids the contractions were still coming 2 minutes apart. My doctor came in and decided he would now check my cervix!!! Yup...3 checks in like 3 hours I was almost in tears. He too concluded that my cervix was not dilating or effacing. My doctor then decided to do a sonogram to check the baby's positioning. Sure enough she was still breech with her head in my ribs. My doctor then went on to explain that since baby Brylee was not head down my body could not be naturally dilating (because the pressure of the head being down helps the body dilate). Anyways, I had to make the decision to try getting a shot to stop the contractions (which they typically don't give women after 35 weeks) or to go ahead with the c-section today. I was completely torn and had no clue what to do. My doctor then said lets give it one more hour and if your contraction continue at this rate and keep getting stronger then we will deliver the baby today. I agreed that that was the best decision. Well, 1 hour past and the contractions continued every 2 minutes and were becoming more painful as time went on. All of a sudden they came in and started to prep me for the c-section. I did not realize that it was all going to happen this quick, I hadn't even told my family or friends the baby was coming today! It was 9:30am at this point and they told us that the c-section was scheduled for 11:00am!

Delivery Time




Before I knew it, I was being wheeled to the cold, scary, OR room. My brother would meet me there after I received the epidural. He was also going to call my best friends Jordyn and Amy. I was completely freaked out because this was not how I envisioned giving birth to my child but the situation was out of my hands. I had a breech baby who was apparently coming and a vaginal delivery was out of the question. I had no clue what to expect with a c-section but I was about to find out. In no time at all I was numb from the waste down, the curtain was hung so I could not see what was going on and they were about to begin. What I was not expecting was to periodically begin to pass-out throughout the procedure. My blood pressure is already low so the anesthesiologist had to continually give me medicine to bring up my blood pressure etc throughout the entire surgery. I was also not really prepared for how much pressure and tugging I would feel even though I was not feeling pain. I felt like I was being pulled and stretched every which way (which I probably was).  I was definitely not expecting to hear the conversations go on between the doctors, nurses, etc. At one point I did begin to panic when they talked about an artery they could not get to stop bleeding! That conversation went on for what seemed like hours but I eventually heard them say "the bleeding is under control" and boy was I relived. All I know, is that I could not have gone through this without my best friend Amy by my side (My brother couldn't handle it, and decided to leave the room and wait with Jordyn). She would talk with me, and help me make "to-do lists" so that I could distract myself and not panic about everything going on. Come to find out,there were definitely reasons for me to panic but luckily I was not aware of the problems until later

My Surprise Baby  

Brylee Rae was born Saturday June 2nd at 11:39am. She weighed 8.2 lbsand was 21 inches long. Baby Brylee is without a doubt my miracle baby! Like I mentioned above, I could basically hear everything the doctors and nurses were saying (except for the moments when my blood pressure would plummet and I would began to pass out). I heard them talk about her being breech and then I heard them say she was stuck. luckily I did not know until later that because she was bottom up and not coming out they had to make my incision a little longer than normal. I did hear them say something about the umbilical cord but luckily it was not until later that I found out that her umbilical cord was wrapped not once but twice around her neck and also around her arm! After Brylee was out I did not hear her cry for quite some time. I kept asking if everything was okay and everyone kept assuring me it was. I am still not exactly sure why there was such a delay in her crying but thank God she is a healthy baby girl. So come to find out Brylee was a tangled mess! Because her cord was wrapped all around her there was no way for her to turn back head down (so she remained breech)!!! If she would have turned with the cord wrapped twice around her neck it actually could have been fatal.If she was some how able to turn with the cord like it was and I had decided to go ahead with a vaginal delivery then things could have once again been very dangerous/fatal. My doctor also informed us that 

my placenta had shifted and the way it was positioned was not good. He said if my water would have broke I would have began bleeding/hemorrhaging and basically I would have ended up with an emergency c-section. The doctor said that my body was trying to tell me something and that was why my contractions began when they did. He said that we absolutely positively made the right decision by delivering the baby today. He said it would not have been good if we would have waited. I also believe that my contractions were my body's way of telling me that the baby was in some sort of distress! I am so grateful and thankful that we made the decision to go ahead with it. I am also so glad that I went to the doctor when I had these contractions and I did not just ignore them and wait.