A Daughters First Love

The last picture taken of my dad, with Brayden Worlds best grandpa.

As many of you know my dad has been in the hospital. Unfortunately, tonight I am writing to say that I have lost the one man; I knew I could depend on.  I feel like this is a nightmare, and I just want to wake up.  He’s without a doubt one of the best men I know. Or was, I should say. Very hard working, and made sure that we always had what we needed, as well as wanted. When I was told this horrible news I couldn't stop crying. I feel like I am losing so many people in my life. A little over a year ago, I lost my best friend/ Sister. Now my dad! I had to sit in his room for a few moments alone and just let the tears fall and the pain absorb me. I’ll never get used to this thing called death and I will certainly never get used to not having my father by my side. I’m utterly and completely exhausted from fighting to just keep my head above water. I’ve been thinking a lot these past few hours, of things that I have learned, been reminded of or even challenged with.

Here are my thoughts: (no particular order)

1.    EVERYONE has an opinion

2.    Most do NOT know how to keep that opinion to themselves

3.    Many think this could never happen to them

4.    Not everyone has your best interest at heart

5.    Many people love a good tragedy

6.    You find out who your “REAL” friends are quickly.

7.    There are people who like to see others fail and/or hurt 

8.    Many people don’t really care that you’re hurting and living the WORST pain imaginable

9.    NO words will take this away or make me feel any better NOTHING

1.   MOST of the time I just need a listening ear, a hug, an I love you 

1.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is REAL.

1.  I can take as long as I need to grieve, be angry, and question
... Everyone needs someone they can depend on and lean on

Finally talking...

As I previously mention I was afraid to talk to anyone about what happened. Well I have been upset and angry at myself and finally told my brother what happened. Well HUGE mistake on my part, little did I know he would go and tell my father. Now, not only am I upset, but my brother and father are irate. I should have went to my dad, and talked to him myself. I thought once I told someone I would feel relieved. I don’t feel relieve, I feel like a weak person who brought my problems to my brother.

I am terrified of Jeramy; he knows I don’t remember doing it. He says that I was telling him it was okay. I clearly remember asking him to stop. He tried inviting me to come hangout with him. He has no clue what he did was wrong, and that sickens me.

This is hard; I am supposed to be tough. I am supposed to be strong; Yet, I sit here and cry for hours. I’m not strong. I can’t protect myself. I can’t believe I let this happen to myself.  This won’t define my life, but it has changed it.  It won’t define me, but it has changed me.

Why Did He Do This?

 I did something stupid, I went to a party, and of course my EX Boyfriend was there.  The people who know me, could tell you when I go to parties, I can get wild. Why, did I stay? Why didn't I leave when I saw him there?

What I thought was my happily ever after,
became my worst nightmare.
Picture a few days before we ended things.

While I was standing there talking to my friends, he came up behind me and whispered in my ear, telling me that we should talk, and handed me a drink. I should have not accepted the drink, nor followed him to talk. I should have noticed the concerned and worried looks my friends threw at me. He took my hand, and we walked up stairs to the bedroom. As we sat there, we talked about our relationship, and would keep bringing me drinks. From this point on everything seems blurry. I remember us kissing, and I remember him touching me, I remember asking him to stop. The rest is a blur. I am not sure what why I am unable to remember, I am thinking it has something to do with the drinks he was giving me. The next morning I wake up on the couch at the person’s house where the party was held.  Later I was asking my friends when they seen us last. Some said when I left to go with Jeramy, and others said when Jeramy put me on the couch.  I find out later, that people were in the room, and watched Jeramy and I have sex. Still a blur I find it unreal. Why would he do that? Later, as me and Amy are sitting there watching TV, I randomly get a picture of me and Jeramy, me completely naked and him on top of me. I realize then he got me drunk and took advantage of me. I never asked for this, but maybe I did. Why would I go talk to him, we didn’t have anything to talk about it was over. I feel so violated, and knowing that people were watching.  I definitely am not the same person I was. I feel like an empty shell. I was at that party, and I was at a house I thought I was safe in, surrounded by people who cared about me, and would protect me. I don’t blame anyone, but myself, and him. I made the choice to drink the drinks, and get very drunk to the point where I don’t remember most of the night. I am not sure what to call this. Was I raped? I don’t remember it, but surely I must have done something to make him think it was okay. Even thought I remember asking him to stop, but what did I do after that? Did I just go with it when he didn't stop? I also was accepting the drinks he was providing me, knowing that if I continued to drink, I would be drunk before the end of the night.  So wouldn't it be my fault? What if he was drunk also?

By this point, we have seen pictures, and now video clips. I was afraid to tell anyone else because I didn't know what to call it. I mean this happened with my EX boyfriend. We literally just ended things. Someone I have had consensual sex with many of times. I’m afraid to talk to anyone. I don’t want to press charges, because I am afraid that will cause more problems for me in the long run. I’m honestly afraid of the whole situation.