Why Did He Do This?

 I did something stupid, I went to a party, and of course my EX Boyfriend was there.  The people who know me, could tell you when I go to parties, I can get wild. Why, did I stay? Why didn't I leave when I saw him there?

What I thought was my happily ever after,
became my worst nightmare.
Picture a few days before we ended things.

While I was standing there talking to my friends, he came up behind me and whispered in my ear, telling me that we should talk, and handed me a drink. I should have not accepted the drink, nor followed him to talk. I should have noticed the concerned and worried looks my friends threw at me. He took my hand, and we walked up stairs to the bedroom. As we sat there, we talked about our relationship, and would keep bringing me drinks. From this point on everything seems blurry. I remember us kissing, and I remember him touching me, I remember asking him to stop. The rest is a blur. I am not sure what why I am unable to remember, I am thinking it has something to do with the drinks he was giving me. The next morning I wake up on the couch at the person’s house where the party was held.  Later I was asking my friends when they seen us last. Some said when I left to go with Jeramy, and others said when Jeramy put me on the couch.  I find out later, that people were in the room, and watched Jeramy and I have sex. Still a blur I find it unreal. Why would he do that? Later, as me and Amy are sitting there watching TV, I randomly get a picture of me and Jeramy, me completely naked and him on top of me. I realize then he got me drunk and took advantage of me. I never asked for this, but maybe I did. Why would I go talk to him, we didn’t have anything to talk about it was over. I feel so violated, and knowing that people were watching.  I definitely am not the same person I was. I feel like an empty shell. I was at that party, and I was at a house I thought I was safe in, surrounded by people who cared about me, and would protect me. I don’t blame anyone, but myself, and him. I made the choice to drink the drinks, and get very drunk to the point where I don’t remember most of the night. I am not sure what to call this. Was I raped? I don’t remember it, but surely I must have done something to make him think it was okay. Even thought I remember asking him to stop, but what did I do after that? Did I just go with it when he didn't stop? I also was accepting the drinks he was providing me, knowing that if I continued to drink, I would be drunk before the end of the night.  So wouldn't it be my fault? What if he was drunk also?

By this point, we have seen pictures, and now video clips. I was afraid to tell anyone else because I didn't know what to call it. I mean this happened with my EX boyfriend. We literally just ended things. Someone I have had consensual sex with many of times. I’m afraid to talk to anyone. I don’t want to press charges, because I am afraid that will cause more problems for me in the long run. I’m honestly afraid of the whole situation.