Pregnancy Survey Second Trimester :)

Pregnancy Survey.

1. How old are you and the father? I am 21, he is 23

2. How long have you been together? We were together for about 4 years, but not together anymore.

3. Are you boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged, married, or not together? Not together.

4. Were you together before getting pregnant? Not Really.

5. Was it planned? No.

6. When is your due date? June 10th 2012

8. What do you think the baby will look like? No idea. I know it will be perfect in my eyes.

9. Do you plan on a natural birth or using an epidural or other drugs? Doctor and I are still discussing it.

10. Is this your first baby? Yes.

11. How did yours and the baby’s father’s parents react? Doesn't know.

12. When did you tell them? haven't .

13. Did you consider abortion or adoption? No.

14. What were your first symptoms? Nothing just a late period.

15. How did you find out? Went to doctor because I was very dizzy and light headed. 

16. Have you had an ultrasound? Yes, at 12 weeks.

17. Have you heard the heart beat? Yes.

18. Do you know the sex? I’ll find out the January 24th :).

19. What sex were you hoping for? Boy

20. What girl/boy names did you consider? Haven’t even went over any yet.

21. Does the name you chose have any special significance? —

22. Do you have any supplies yet? Lots of diapers, wipes, crib, and other furniture.

23. Have you felt the baby kick yet? Not yet.

24. When is your baby shower? Probably in May or April

25. How many weeks/months are you? I’m 15 weeks today

26. What are you looking forward to? Finding out what this baby is! 

27. Are you financially able to care for a child? Yes.

28. What was your worst symptom? Nothing yet, besides when I got dizzy.

29. Have you had any cravings? I just want random things.

30. Have you had any food aversions? A few, can’t think of any that stand out right now.

31. Are you scared of having a miscarriage or stillbirth? Yes,, who wouldn’t be.

32. Do you wear maternity clothes? Nope

33. Has anything major changed in your life since your pregnancy? Not really ha. 

34. Do you smoke or drink? No.

35. Do you take prenatal vitamins? Yes.

36. Are you going to breastfeed or use formula? I am going to try breastfeeding..

37. Are you going to use disposable or cloth diapers? Disposable.

38. Do you regret your pregnancy? Nope.

39. What is your weight gain so far? 3lbs so far. Which is awesome

40. Has your baby had the hiccups? Wouldn’t know.

41. How big is your baby so far? about 3.5 inches

42. Do you have any stretch marks? Nope.

43. Any complications with your pregnancy? Nope.

44. Have you seen your baby do any strange things during an ultrasound? No

45. Do you get any criticism? No.

46. Who will be in the delivery room with you? My Brother, and possibly my two best friends

47. Belly button in or out? In

48. What are your feelings towards pregnancy? I haven't really experienced anything, but the ultrasounds, and hearing the heat beat which brought me to tears.

49. Any labor signs? No.

50. What are five words that describe how you feel today? Sleepy, hungry, thirst, bored, lazy.

Every good & perfect gift is planned and unplanned.

Not only have a cried like a baby but I have been ultra sensitive. I do not typically get my feelings hurt easily by friends or family but the last few weeks I think I have read into everything way too much and my feelings have been not only hurt but crushed multiple times. It is actually a little funny now that I am thinking back on the last few weeks but hey, emotions are emotions and when you are pregnant it is a little hard to really control them. I have amazing friends in my life & they do not know how many silly incidents I have cried over the last few weeks haha. Well, as my 2nd trimester is approaching in just days I am hoping to get rid of this softer side and go back to being ME; even if it means that I have tough skin, a callused heart and only cry at the thought of starving orphans & animal cruelty lol

I sure hope this emotional roller coaster ends soon...We shall see what the 2nd trimester has in store!

Grieving

dad with his grandchildren. 

The concept of grief is weird and largely socialized. If you are broken up with, after being in a long-term relationship, you’re allotted 3-4 months of mourning, reckless decisions, asking yourself why and no more, otherwise you’re pathetic, miserable, just can’t move on. Likewise if you go on a few dates with a guy, feel like you clicked and he doesn't want you, that situation is supposed to roll off, like water on your back. Any wallowing - you’re clingy, emotional unstable. On the other hand, if you move on quickly, date someone else, you are seen as strong, maybe even superhuman.

I think there is strength in being able to accept life and the changes life brings you with gratitude and grace, but loss and the mourning process is something that shouldn't necessary have a time limit but then again, I know people who have mourned over past loves for years and I questioned their emotional stability. Then again is that my socialized way of thinking, not being sensitive of cognizant of their development as a human being, their paths of life?

With that being said, I think I’m finally grieving over my dad’s death. My dad died September 16, 2011. I would talk about it so nonchalantly, I remember when I would start to cry, I would just stop, and the tears wouldn't fall. now when I think about him or talk about him to people, tears roll down, I start babbling about my fear of death, fear of dying alone and lonely, no spouse, fear of being unfulfilled, fear of loved ones dying before they can see me succeed and achieve the goals most important to me (marriage, getting my degree, starting a family, being established, being self-actualized), fear of never seeing my goals. I simply don’t want to die right now and I don’t want the people closest to me to die, I want them to share my achievements.

My father won’t be able to walk me down the aisle. I have no one to walk me down the aisle. I am not even sure who is supposed to. I will not ask my step father.  I guess my brother.  anyways, I’m semi-annoyed I’m a clinical vignette - experiencing grief a few months later, but like I said, you can’t put a time limit on grief because it is part of the human experience and my path and development of life… not society’s definition

Eating For 2

Cravings...

In my opinion pregnancy cravings have to be one of the strangest things ever! If you are a chocolate lover it is one thing to crave a chocolate sundae or if you are the type of person who loves sour candy then it is pretty understandable for you to crave sour patch kids(which are my personal fav). But pregnancy cravings on the other hand make absolutely no sense!

I am only 13 weeks pregnant and whatever hormone it is that makes women crave random foods that are not normally apart of our daily diet, has definitely gone into effect. If you know me then you know that I don't eat a lot or often.

Well since the baby has come into the pictures my taste buds have definitely changed! I can not stand even the thought of sea food. Shrimp, salmon, talapia, crab & lobster all make me want to puke! Even the smell of sea food brings about a wave of nausea. I am not crazy about sea food. However, I love tuna steaks. Apparently, that has all changed for a while. The only good thing about avoiding sea food is that when you are pregnant, you have to be careful not to consume too much mercury anyways, because it can be dangerous for the baby. I guess I do not have to worry about high levels of mercury since I won't be enjoying any under the sea delights including my fav, just thinking about it now makes me sick. 

Now I am going to talk about a few of my current CRAVINGS!

1) Smoothies: I am craving them daily. Anything with Pineapple.   

2) V8: I never drink V8 but strangely enough, I want it.

3) Orange Juice: it helps easy my nauseous stomach.

4) Cheez-its:  I have no clue why these taste so good.

5) Lucky Charms: I feel like a little girl again :)

6) Pickles:  I guess this is not a bad craving but it is a little random...

7) French Fries: Uh oh...I hope this craving does not last! So far I have given in & ordered fries 4X

Shocking News!!

People that read my blog know that some things happened back in September. Well unfortunately it is all still a blur to me. I made myself a doctor’s appointment, because I felt very weak and light headed. If you know me, then you know that my period has never really been regular. So since I haven’t been sexually active I didn't freak out when it didn't come. Well it turns out that I am about 12 weeks Pregnant. When I was told this news I was shocked. The crying began because I had no idea I was pregnant. I am terrified; I am only 21 fixing to be 22. I know I am an adult, but I had so many life experiences I wanted to experience before I had children. Everything happens for a reason. I can’t imagine doing this on my own. I mean I know my brother will be there for me, but I always imagined having a husband, then a child. I don’t plan on telling my EX, I just don’t think that it’s safe. I am not sure that I will tell many people. Maybe the very few that I trust. 

A Daughters First Love

The last picture taken of my dad, with Brayden Worlds best grandpa.

As many of you know my dad has been in the hospital. Unfortunately, tonight I am writing to say that I have lost the one man; I knew I could depend on.  I feel like this is a nightmare, and I just want to wake up.  He’s without a doubt one of the best men I know. Or was, I should say. Very hard working, and made sure that we always had what we needed, as well as wanted. When I was told this horrible news I couldn't stop crying. I feel like I am losing so many people in my life. A little over a year ago, I lost my best friend/ Sister. Now my dad! I had to sit in his room for a few moments alone and just let the tears fall and the pain absorb me. I’ll never get used to this thing called death and I will certainly never get used to not having my father by my side. I’m utterly and completely exhausted from fighting to just keep my head above water. I’ve been thinking a lot these past few hours, of things that I have learned, been reminded of or even challenged with.

Here are my thoughts: (no particular order)

1.    EVERYONE has an opinion

2.    Most do NOT know how to keep that opinion to themselves

3.    Many think this could never happen to them

4.    Not everyone has your best interest at heart

5.    Many people love a good tragedy

6.    You find out who your “REAL” friends are quickly.

7.    There are people who like to see others fail and/or hurt 

8.    Many people don’t really care that you’re hurting and living the WORST pain imaginable

9.    NO words will take this away or make me feel any better NOTHING

1.   MOST of the time I just need a listening ear, a hug, an I love you 

1.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is REAL.

1.  I can take as long as I need to grieve, be angry, and question
... Everyone needs someone they can depend on and lean on

Finally talking...

As I previously mention I was afraid to talk to anyone about what happened. Well I have been upset and angry at myself and finally told my brother what happened. Well HUGE mistake on my part, little did I know he would go and tell my father. Now, not only am I upset, but my brother and father are irate. I should have went to my dad, and talked to him myself. I thought once I told someone I would feel relieved. I don’t feel relieve, I feel like a weak person who brought my problems to my brother.

I am terrified of Jeramy; he knows I don’t remember doing it. He says that I was telling him it was okay. I clearly remember asking him to stop. He tried inviting me to come hangout with him. He has no clue what he did was wrong, and that sickens me.

This is hard; I am supposed to be tough. I am supposed to be strong; Yet, I sit here and cry for hours. I’m not strong. I can’t protect myself. I can’t believe I let this happen to myself.  This won’t define my life, but it has changed it.  It won’t define me, but it has changed me.

Why Did He Do This?

 I did something stupid, I went to a party, and of course my EX Boyfriend was there.  The people who know me, could tell you when I go to parties, I can get wild. Why, did I stay? Why didn't I leave when I saw him there?

What I thought was my happily ever after,
became my worst nightmare.
Picture a few days before we ended things.

While I was standing there talking to my friends, he came up behind me and whispered in my ear, telling me that we should talk, and handed me a drink. I should have not accepted the drink, nor followed him to talk. I should have noticed the concerned and worried looks my friends threw at me. He took my hand, and we walked up stairs to the bedroom. As we sat there, we talked about our relationship, and would keep bringing me drinks. From this point on everything seems blurry. I remember us kissing, and I remember him touching me, I remember asking him to stop. The rest is a blur. I am not sure what why I am unable to remember, I am thinking it has something to do with the drinks he was giving me. The next morning I wake up on the couch at the person’s house where the party was held.  Later I was asking my friends when they seen us last. Some said when I left to go with Jeramy, and others said when Jeramy put me on the couch.  I find out later, that people were in the room, and watched Jeramy and I have sex. Still a blur I find it unreal. Why would he do that? Later, as me and Amy are sitting there watching TV, I randomly get a picture of me and Jeramy, me completely naked and him on top of me. I realize then he got me drunk and took advantage of me. I never asked for this, but maybe I did. Why would I go talk to him, we didn’t have anything to talk about it was over. I feel so violated, and knowing that people were watching.  I definitely am not the same person I was. I feel like an empty shell. I was at that party, and I was at a house I thought I was safe in, surrounded by people who cared about me, and would protect me. I don’t blame anyone, but myself, and him. I made the choice to drink the drinks, and get very drunk to the point where I don’t remember most of the night. I am not sure what to call this. Was I raped? I don’t remember it, but surely I must have done something to make him think it was okay. Even thought I remember asking him to stop, but what did I do after that? Did I just go with it when he didn't stop? I also was accepting the drinks he was providing me, knowing that if I continued to drink, I would be drunk before the end of the night.  So wouldn't it be my fault? What if he was drunk also?

By this point, we have seen pictures, and now video clips. I was afraid to tell anyone else because I didn't know what to call it. I mean this happened with my EX boyfriend. We literally just ended things. Someone I have had consensual sex with many of times. I’m afraid to talk to anyone. I don’t want to press charges, because I am afraid that will cause more problems for me in the long run. I’m honestly afraid of the whole situation. 

The Past Four Years Confession

Realizing you were in an emotionally, and physically abusive relationship makes your break up so validating. Realizing that he would put me down, hit me, push me, shove me, kick me, call me names, need to know where I was every second of the day wasn't because I was a bad, untrustworthy person.. it was him that had all these insecurities. He had to make me feel like I was worthless with no self esteem to ensure that I would stay with him and never stray. 

I distinctively remember months ago sitting on the couch with him, and I don’t know what was said, and I don’t think we were fighting or saying anything negatively towards each other, but he reached out and grabbed a clump of my hair and drew me close, not saying anything. And I remember finding that so weird.. like, he was testing me to see how far he could get away with being straight up abusive. But really sitting back, reading “signs you’re in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship”, and matching EVERY-SINGLE-ONE.. its sad. Because I put up with this for 3 years. We have been together for four years, but the first year I guess is what you would call the "Cupcake" stage as they say. It was perfect. He told me everything that I wanted to hear, and made me fall madly in love with him. He was in the marines, and had to leave and of course we stayed together, but when he came back I spent the next 3 years being put down, told I was fat, told I needed breast implants. He said all my friends were drunk sluts and would only make my life worse. And now Im realizing that he didn't want me hanging out with any of my friends, because those are the people who are going to convince me that what I am in is not healthy. OF COURSE. It makes so much sense. And you know what?! I’m not a fucking idiot. I’m sure I knew I was in something bad deep down, but I never left. Because I couldn't possibly find anyone else better than him to love me.. so he had me believing. This week has been so hard without him. It really has. Non stop tears, the pity party, the “I love him so much he can change,”.. but realizing what I was in was ABUSE.. I think its going to take a lot less time to get over. Because I am a warrior. And I am better off without him.

1 Year without my Best friend/sister

Whew! We made it! The one year mark. 

That's what we are supposed to say right? That somehow we have crawled to the other side of the 365 days since Jessica was taken from us and now it will be easier? To me I look at it as: "Good lord, now I have to make it through the next 65 or so years?! 

While my sister was so much more than her death, I wrote this in hopes of the beginning of an explanation of the extraordinary pain that we carry throughout our lives. Jessica is THE MOST AMAZING person that I have had the pleasure of knowing. There has been a lot that has happened lately. A lot of crazy drama, I know you hated drama. Oh how I wish you were here to help me through these tough times. I know that you are always with me, in my heart. Even though I wish you could physically be here with me through all this. You're kids are growing up. Me and Brayden have become really close. He's became my best friend, he also helps me become a better person. The girls are starting to get some personality. I wish you were here to experience this with me. I wish you could see your children grow. I miss you so much. I don't think this year has made anything easier. If anything I am upset that I have missed out on a whole year with you. I miss you Jessica. 

9 Months Without You

In the past 9 months  I have heard every bit of advice that I am sure a person can hear when dealing with the death of a sibling…most of it is useless, although said with good intentions and mostly with love, still pointless..

What I didn’t fully realize is that the fear and the actual pain are VERY different…the pain is a pain that never ends, has no true definition and is deeper than one can wrap their mind around unless one has experienced it first hand. There is no cure, there are no magic words, there is no fix...the pain just simply is. And quite frankly it is hell on earth, it is pure torture, it is a testing of faith, and hope, and patience…it feels as if your heart and soul have been ripped from your chest and discarded without a care in the world. There is NO relief from the pain…NONE…ZERO.

What there is, are pockets of hope. Small pockets in time when you see your family smile and hear their laughter and you remember why you have to go on. It’s a hug from a friend, an encouraging word from a loved one, a smile from a stranger. 

I’m writing this today hoping that we are ALL reminded that grief has no time limit, it comes with no rule book and it certainly doesn’t come with directions. Be careful when you find yourself judging others,  because I promise you as the sky is blue, you do NOT EVER want to walk this path that I and way way way too many others are on. Do not judge how one feels they need to grieve, do not judge the timing of how long their darkest days may last…do not judge. As the old saying goes, we all have a story to tell and until you’ve lived mine, do not judge me.

Smile...Pretend everything okay

Death is a strange thing. I thought I always understood it. I mean I’ve lost loved ones before and I’ve grieved for friends and family and even complete strangers who have lost someone close to them, especially unexpectedly,  but until I walked along this sad and lonely and confusing path myself,  I just truly never knew.

I have moments, where it feels almost like none of this is real and that Jess is going to come bounding through the door. I have moments where I look at her photos, watch her videos, stalk her Facebook and again it just isn’t possible that this is even my reality. She was full of life and laughter, she had plans, she had a boyfriend, she had dreams, she was on the schedule at work, she had a dentist appointment she had to go to, she had vacation planned, she had kids to feed and play with, she needed to clean her room and wash her car and the list goes on….there is just no possible way that it was her time to go. Or so that’s how my mind works anyway.

I had my very first dream of Jessica this week. I’ve dreamt of her a few times since she passed but they have been sad dreams where I am at the funeral and she is gone and lifeless…this one was different. It was so short and sweet but it is forever etched in my mind. I knew she was gone and I saw her from a distance and I ran to her and I hugged her so hard and so tightly that we fell to the ground and she was laughing hysterically at me. She never said a word but she just laughed and laughed and I saw her smile. I remember thinking in the dream “is she invisible or can others see her, I wonder if it looks like I’m hugging the air right now?”  Then I thought who cares!!!   I woke up and the tears hit me and I literally could not move…

As most of you are aware Tuesday March 4th marked 7 months without this beautiful girl. The days don’t get any easier, if anything they are harder because it’s just that much longer since I have talked to her and heard her and seen her smile. But I will admit and I’ve probably said this before, it has definitely gotten easier to pretend. I’ve become an award winning actress at pretending I am “okay”….. and that might not be all bad. I still have no idea how I will survive the rest of this lifetime on earth without her.

6 Months Without You

6 month balloon release

Here I sit yet again in total disbelief that this is the life I was handed. Completely beside myself in utter awe that I have a sister that I visit at a cemetery. In 2 days we will hit the 6 month mark of the day this earth lost 1 beautiful girl. 6 very long months, yet 6 months that I can’t believe I have survived.

How I get up each morning and function each day is a mystery unto me. There are days I just want to give up.  There is probably a point of time in every single day that I just want to throw in the towel and succumb to all of this pain and heartache. I’ve made hundreds of analogies regarding this pain I have to live with and none ever seem to describe it just right. I try to think of things to compare it to and I get frustrated when I can’t think of a comparable circumstance. However, thank God I can’t, because I would not want any other pain in life to compare to this one. At times I feel like a frustrated toddler who can’t find the words to express himself….not being able to find the words to tell others how I feel is a pain itself. It’s hard to explain that frustration.

This ones for you Jess,

“Life is one big road with lots of signs, so when you’re riding through the ruts, don’t you complicate your mind: Flee from the hate, mischief and jealousy! Don’t bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality.”  — Bob Marley

Thankful

It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the need to get on here and share. There have been a lot of changes in my life in the last several weeks…..and I’m still trying to sort through all of those, as well as try to keep my focus on my healing.

I had an awesome gift from Jessica given to me late last night. Jessica lost her phone at amanda’s aunt’s house on the night of  our fathers birthday (August 3rd). Jess searched the couch that she knew she lost it in, high and low and so did Amanda. We gave up on ever finding it..thinking perhaps it had been stolen. Of course after the accident that is all I wanted was for that phone to turn up, as I knew if was full of videos and pictures of Jessica. The couch was searched once again and no luck. That was until last night when Amanda’s cousin lost her own phone and checked in the couch and what do you know…there was Jessicas’s phone. In the very couch that had been searched by others.

There are no coincidences here….Jess knew exactly when I needed that phone returned to me. I have not heard my sister's voice since the night of the accident and I spent hours every day picturing her saying certain phrases so as I wouldn’t lose that memory. Her phone was full of videos of her in her most purest form. With her friends laughing and having fun. To see her smile, and hear her voice, and laugh and joke around, felt like she was sitting right beside me. She literally saved my soul last night from so much pain ….it’s an unexplanable rush and high and a momentary peace.

Of course today I’ve watched them all again and gone through every photo and this time I cried…..a sadness poured over me….she was so full of life and energy and enthusiasm and love…..she never saw this coming and never even had a chance.  You would think after nearly 6 months it would fully sink it …..but I’m here to tell you that is not the case. Daily I expect to see her come rushing through the door and head straight for her room yelling “hey Brittany!”

I know I’ve said it before and as believers we all know, it’s not Jessica that is sad or regretful…..it is all of those left behind. The selfish sister who just wants to see her sister. 

So here goes another day in this cruel world and a painful walk in my journey of life.

Happy Birthday Jess

Yesterday (January 30) marked mine and Jessica’s 21st birthday. I kept thinking all week that I would sit down and write out this long blog about Jess and all of my feelings and where I am right now on my journey…..and each day came and went and I just couldn’t share my pain for some reason.  Yesterday was difficult to say the least…I certainly didn’t miss Jess any more than normal ( I don’t think it’s possible to ever top this pain or level of loneliness) but celebrating a milestone like this without her present tore me apart in a brand new way.

Jessica’s headstone was set yesterday morning, it was so very important to me that it was up in time for her birthday and I thank  Shawn (a God-send funeral director) that it was. I sat in that cemetery yesterday morning and tried to watch them “set” her stone… I made it about 20 minutes before I could no longer watch.  Can you imagine that as a sister…as a bestfriend? That FINAL marking of her death…. the monument that marks who she was and reminds people of her life….speechless, that’s how it left me.

It is a truly beautiful stone and it defines her well……and that’s hard to even admit. I went back and visited her later and all I could think is that Jess would have been so sad and broken to know that her life on this earth would be cut so short. She would have been devastated to know how broken her entire family is without her…. However the milestones that we will all miss with her breaks me into a million little pieces.

Jordyn and I went back to visit Jessica yesterday for our birthday and take her balloons and flowers…we then spent our day celebrating Jessica; manicures and pedicures that Jess loved so much and dinner at her favorite restaurant. I even ordered her favorite meal, just for her. There were definitely laughs shared at the table as we talked and reminisced about Jess…but the pain remained and waited patiently for me to get home and release what I was holding in.  This morning we had a birthday breakfast with Jessica’s best friends. I won’t lie, I left there today angry. Angry that my sister is gone.

I have stated this before somewhere in one of my blogs that you really need to be thankful for what you have…too often I see and hear so many complaints about such petty things in life or even things that with hard work and determination can be changed…..I (and MANY others just like me) are facing a battle that we can never ever change no matter how hard we want, pray and plead….this is as good as it gets for us.  I’m certainly thankful for my friends and family that love me and I KNOW that it could also be worse for me… But what I do recognize is the importance of the true things in life. It’s way too easy to get caught up in yourself and small issues in life and lose sight of the bigger picture, I’ve certainly been there too.   Jess hated drama and she hated sweating the small things in life. She lived for having fun and loving her friends and family.

5 Months

5 months ago today I lost a chunk of my heart that will never heal or be replaced. I simply can’t believe that when I wake each morning that you will not be there.  I can still hear your laugh and see your smile and I’m terrified for the day when your voice fades from my memory. Grieving and healing are an odd pair.

For any sister (or brother) who has lost a sibIing I can only imagine that you feel the same as me…..when does it start feeling real?  I know she is gone but there are times when it simply feels unreal…too heavy, too incomprehensible, too  tragic for me.

There are so many exhausting tasks to be had after someone dies….things that in a million years I NEVER imagined myself doing. Receiving the autopsy report for Jessica was bone crushing painful but I did something yesterday that was just as painful if not more……I picked up Jessica’s death certificate. I held that in my hand and cried like a baby…Just like a birth certificate with its place of birth, time of birth, parents names…..the death certificate is eerily similar yet so different.

To see on a piece of paper that my sister's place of death was a “roadway” and that her cause of death was Multiple Body Trauma due to a Motor Vehicle Crash (passenger-belted)….wow the details. There was more that I will spare you the details of…but can you imagine as a sibling holding that piece of paper in your hands and trying to comprehend it and then trying to go about and live your life and raise your sister's children and go to your job and well, just simply function?

Happy New Year!!!

The start of a brand new year is typically shared in with celebrations, hopes, dreams, resolutions and goals for the upcoming year ahead. Mine as you can well imagine, was brought in with an enormous mound of grief and sadness. I thought a lot about the years past and even some of the great memories of 2010. However, my mind quickly zoomed to August 22nd…..the day my world stopped turning.  I have this continual knot in my stomach and lump in my throat, and I wish, that I could turn back time…if only for a moment.

My heart is heavy tonight for everyone that is missing Jessica. I am angry that my sister's kids have lost their mother and angry that to our earthly minds, none of this makes sense. I am trying to find the good and the purpose in this loss.

I thought a lot today about when people make new years resolutions and how silly they are because 9 times out of 10 you set unrealistic goals.  I have set ONE goal for my life and that is TO MAKE IT COUNT. We get one shot on this earth and as we have seen,  life is gone in moment and often times without warning. Make yours count! I want what I do every day to make a difference in either my own life, the lives of my future children or the lives of others. I’m going to make it count for my sister.