Realizing you were in an emotionally, and physically abusive relationship makes your break up so validating. Realizing that he would put me down, hit me, push me, shove me, kick me, call me names, need to know where I was every second of the day wasn't because I was a bad, untrustworthy person.. it was him that had all these insecurities. He had to make me feel like I was worthless with no self esteem to ensure that I would stay with him and never stray.
I distinctively remember months ago sitting on the couch with him, and I don’t know what was said, and I don’t think we were fighting or saying anything negatively towards each other, but he reached out and grabbed a clump of my hair and drew me close, not saying anything. And I remember finding that so weird.. like, he was testing me to see how far he could get away with being straight up abusive. But really sitting back, reading “signs you’re in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship”, and matching EVERY-SINGLE-ONE.. its sad. Because I put up with this for 3 years. We have been together for four years, but the first year I guess is what you would call the "Cupcake" stage as they say. It was perfect. He told me everything that I wanted to hear, and made me fall madly in love with him. He was in the marines, and had to leave and of course we stayed together, but when he came back I spent the next 3 years being put down, told I was fat, told I needed breast implants. He said all my friends were drunk sluts and would only make my life worse. And now Im realizing that he didn't want me hanging out with any of my friends, because those are the people who are going to convince me that what I am in is not healthy. OF COURSE. It makes so much sense. And you know what?! I’m not a fucking idiot. I’m sure I knew I was in something bad deep down, but I never left. Because I couldn't possibly find anyone else better than him to love me.. so he had me believing. This week has been so hard without him. It really has. Non stop tears, the pity party, the “I love him so much he can change,”.. but realizing what I was in was ABUSE.. I think its going to take a lot less time to get over. Because I am a warrior. And I am better off without him.
I distinctively remember months ago sitting on the couch with him, and I don’t know what was said, and I don’t think we were fighting or saying anything negatively towards each other, but he reached out and grabbed a clump of my hair and drew me close, not saying anything. And I remember finding that so weird.. like, he was testing me to see how far he could get away with being straight up abusive. But really sitting back, reading “signs you’re in an emotionally/physically abusive relationship”, and matching EVERY-SINGLE-ONE.. its sad. Because I put up with this for 3 years. We have been together for four years, but the first year I guess is what you would call the "Cupcake" stage as they say. It was perfect. He told me everything that I wanted to hear, and made me fall madly in love with him. He was in the marines, and had to leave and of course we stayed together, but when he came back I spent the next 3 years being put down, told I was fat, told I needed breast implants. He said all my friends were drunk sluts and would only make my life worse. And now Im realizing that he didn't want me hanging out with any of my friends, because those are the people who are going to convince me that what I am in is not healthy. OF COURSE. It makes so much sense. And you know what?! I’m not a fucking idiot. I’m sure I knew I was in something bad deep down, but I never left. Because I couldn't possibly find anyone else better than him to love me.. so he had me believing. This week has been so hard without him. It really has. Non stop tears, the pity party, the “I love him so much he can change,”.. but realizing what I was in was ABUSE.. I think its going to take a lot less time to get over. Because I am a warrior. And I am better off without him.
