Rain...Rain Go away

It's amazing how tragedy changes you. How one event can change your daily habits and you are constantly noticing things that you were completely blind to before the tragedy occurred.

I was reading the newspaper this morning and for whatever reason, flipped straight to the obituaries (for which you would have said I was being morbid). I noticed that there was a 17 year old boy that died this week in a car accident when he was ejected from his jeep. I thought about his mom and dad and wondered if they were experiencing the same flood of emotions fueled by the same desire to find the answer as to why this happened as your own parents did just a little over a month ago. I read that he had 3 brothers and 2 sisters and wondered if they felt the same emptiness that we feel for you. It brought back a lot of the terrible feelings that I have been trying to oppress. 

Then I started thinking: Is this how it will always be? Every time I pick up a newspaper, will I flip to the obituaries and notice the ages of the people who have tragically lost their lives? Will I have this overwhelming desire to read the tiny paragraph that their sobbing parents had to come up with while planning their child's funeral? Will I always sit there and wonder how they were ever able to sum up their child's life in a 4x4 square on a page of the newspaper? I then figured it was (a harsh but necessary comparison) much like when someone you knows buys a new car and for weeks after you first set your eyes on it you start noticing all of the cars on the road that look like that car. That is just human nature, right?


I guess that it won't stop with the weekly obituaries because I noticed that everything sets off a new wave of thoughts and memories. 

It started raining on my way to school work and I was reminded of the time when we were driving somewhere and it had started to rain. You were quietly sitting there and then out of nowhere you turned and asked me where butterflies went when it rained. I laughed so hard and asked you how or why you were even thinking about that. In true Jessica fashion you smiled and said, "So, do you not, think about it, where do they go when it rains?" Your determination to find out was silly and insignificant to me at the time, not to mention the fact, that I really had no idea. But today after work I so badly wanted to get home so that I could find the answer. 

So here it is, a few years too late, but a valiant effort to say the least. According to kidsbutterfly.org (because if there was anything I have learned in my short  year in college, it is to never trust a .com site),
"Butterflies hide when it rains. They usually go to the same places they do for the night. Some butterflies hide under large leaves, some crawl down into dense leaves or under rocks, and some just sit head down on grass stems or bushes with wings held tightly. If the rains are exceptionally hard or of long duration many of the butterflies become tattered or die." 
 
I wonder if there are butterflies in heaven? Even there are, I'm sure that it doesn't rain

Quarter a day...

If I had a quarter for every time I had someone tell me, "Don't worry, Brittany, time heals all wounds". Really? What about cancer? Or HIV? Time just seems to make them worse.

I have decided that when it comes to grieving, time doesn't heal anything, it only makes it easier to talk about. I really think that a person just runs out of tears, as I seen in the last few days. The sadness is sitting there like a rock in the pit of my stomach, but I just can't release those tiny water droplets. It is like those little carousels at grocery stores that you put a quarter into and to keep going around (in endless circle, mind you) you have to insert another quarter. The only problem is that you used all of your quarters paying for the milk inside the grocery store because it has become like a liquid gold these days. You only get so many tears per incident, and if you have no more quarters...well tough luck.

It is the little things that you start to notice when time has literally stopped, like not being able to shed tears, people tiptoeing around you like they are walking in a museum and if they speak too loudly they may shatter the Mona Lisa. The Mona Lisa, made of thick canvas and gooey paint, sits on her perch and smiles at you...reminds me of work.

I passed a fire station today and thought about the time that you told me that instead of going to college that you were going to become a fire women. You thought it was just so cool that they got free food and a free place to live. It wasn't until, after laughing heartily, that I had to explain to you that they only stayed at the station when they were on duty and that on average they only made about $8.00 an hour. Hardly enough for your champagne taste. I also remember telling you that money wasn't important and that being a fire fighter was a noble and respectable job, but very dangerous. You would have made a terrible fire fighter, by the way, but I would have loved to see you try.

Dear Jessica

Jessica, my heart is crying out for you. Me and dad went and picked out your headstone this afternoon and I left there with a knot in my stomach that will not go away. I am once again angry that I am helping making these decisions!  I miss you so much and my world is closing in on me this evening. I’m crying for prayers for not only me, but for dad and everyone else affected by this. I love you and I need you. I have no idea how I am going to survive this pain. Seeing your children I realize that I have a piece of you that is growing every day. I am still sadden by the fact that they will not know who their mother is. I wish you were hear every day. 

Remeber what's important

26 days without you…..I believe it is getting harder rather than easier. I think in cases such as these, time does NOT heal….time without you simply makes me ache for you more (as if that is even possible). I’ve thought a lot lately about the things people ask and say during times like these, and as most people realize there just simply are NO words that can ease this pain. I’ve caught myself a few times answering “fine” to the question “how are you doing?” However, more often than not I answer truthfully and simply say “not good”. I saw a friend of mine wearing a necklace at Jessica’s viewing that read “Due in March” and I remarked on it how that was such a cool idea; as a pregnant woman you get asked a million times “when are you due”?  It made me think that I wish I had a necklace or a shirt or flag to wave that simply mentioned how I was feeling or perhaps even warning people “back off, not a good day” – ha, I actually like that idea.

I’ve thought a lot today about all of the things Jessica will never get to experience, or I with her. We were planning vacation for this spring.The realization that we will not get to experience those visits together has me utterly paralyzed with sadness. The fact that her three children will have no memories with their mother that they will truly remember. She has two twin daughters that were  born July 2nd 2009, and a son who was born april 2nd 2007. Weird how you put the days together and it's 22, which was the date of her death August 22nd.  

I then started thinking about all of the things in life that people take for granted (myself included). I know from August 22, 2010 on, my appreciation for even the smallest detail in life has changed. Of course directly after an accident and tragedy of this magnitude everyone says the same thing: “you don't have forever”….but I also see people forget that very soon and get busy with life again. I pray that my blog gets read and shared so that others are reminded DAILY that the people in your life are what matters. Not the car you drive, the house you live in, the vacation you are taking, the job you hold, the promotion you are seeking……but the people. Many times that realization comes way too late for people and their loved ones are already gone and they are left with a mound of guilt.

I loved my sister with all my heart and soul and I love the relationship that we had and the honesty and love that we shared. Jess was one special individual and not just because she was my sister, more so because she simply loved her family and friends and lived every day in the moment.

2007 Prom

Everything's alright

Well today started out as a doozy for me. My alarm sounded at 6:05am to wake up for work and instantly my heart began racing and my mind was begging me not to start another day. Typically it’s at this hour that we would hear Jessica’s heavy footsteps running up the steps to beat me to the shower and the silence in the hallway was deafening to me this morning. I instantly heard Jessica’s voice in my head saying nothing really specific but it was just the sweet sound of her…something I FEAR I will forget, her voice.  

Before I went to bed last night I decided to pull out the lock of hair that we had the funeral director cut for us. I hadn’t had the nerve to look at it yet. Her hair was the one thing I held onto at the viewing and funeral because it still felt like her; unlike her body that was cold and stiff and so very hard for me to touch, her hair was still very much her.  I looked at those locks last night and felt them between my fingers and I wept and ached like never before. It’s the only thing I have left of her in the physical sense; the one item that was a part of her humanly body form. I believe to this day I am STILL in shock over this tragedy.

When I need to feel a certain closeness to Jessica I go and hold her clothes from the night that she died. Just knowing that it is the last thing she wore and the last outfit she picked out brings me some odd sense of calmness. Sometimes I put her shoes on from that night and just feel them on my feet. Call me weird, but it helps!

I have no real words of wisdom or comfort today; but I do feel the prayers coming through. I feel a sense of peace come over me just as I feel like my heart is going to leap from my chest and I know that is all of your prayers reaching me. THANK YOU to each and every one of you that have helped in ANY way throughout this tragedy and thank you for all of the prayers….keep them coming for me and my entire family and all of Jessica’s friends. So many of Jessica's friends are struggling so deeply and my heart breaks for them, please keep each and every one of them in your prayers as well.

I know everyone’s lives must move on when mine is stuck in neutral…I’m trying not to be angry that my life (and those closest to Jess) will never fully move forward, but I pray that none of you forget the impact this tragedy has had on me and my family nor forget that life is so very short and unpredictable, live each day to its fullest potential.

I’ve included a photo of one of Jessica’s favorite songs with this blog post and today I am taking a lesson from her….and she is telling me loud and clear: “Britt, don’t think twice, it’s alright.”

Living a nightmare.

I’m sitting here this afternoon feeling at a loss for words. I have so many thoughts and feelings that run through my mind continually, but when I sat to type today, I have one thought that just keeps coming to the surface. August 22, 2010 was not the day that my sister died, it is the date that should be remembered as the birth of her new everlasting life; her new birth date. My mind is blown hourly that I (and my family) are making the types of decisions that I have had to make in the last 24 days. My mind is blown that tomorrow my dad and myself are going to look at headstones for my Sister. My mind simply won’t wrap itself around the finality of her life ending on this earth; call it a survival mechanism, call it God. I’ve told many of you that I am haunted by so many aspects of this horrific accident and sister (or parent) should ever have to endure what we have and my heart has always broken for those that have (even before this accident).  I’m haunted by the officers at the hospital in the middle of the night and the softness in their eyes and voice as they told me, and handed me my purse.  I’m haunted by them asking to see a photo of Jessica and my brain not working with my hands to even know how to work my phone to show them. I’m haunted by them telling me that it wasn’t just my Sister that was killed but my best friend and my twin, my world seemed to come crashing in on me. I am living my worst absolute nightmare. I have text messages are between Jessica and myself that are dated August 20th 1st and we are discussing my fear of car accidents. It’s eerie for me to read them knowing just 2 days later we were involved in one of those statistics.  At times I feel like I am living some sad lifetime movie or reading a fiction novel; the impact this has had on me and my family personally is overwhelming to say the least. No parent should have to bury their child, but the tragedy and suddenness of a life lost in a split second, is at times unbearable and I simply can’t even make myself get out of bed to start my day. I hope and sometimes believe that I will see here again. However, this does not ease my pain of hurt, sadness, loneliness and yes even anger. I was telling a good friend last night that I’ve always hoped to live to a ripe old age and have her nearby. I am now ready for this life and world to be over; this world is so cruel and unfair that I am ready to just leave it. I don’t want to live another 50 years on this earth without my Sister, my Best friend, and the person who I shared my life with by my side….my mind won’t even let me fathom a year without her let alone 50. I am determined to make each day count and never ever forget her.  She loved life and her friends and family so much. It’s sad to think that 3 children will grow up not knowing who their mother was, and how truly amazing she was. She left a huge footprint in the short time she was here and I’ve seen lives changed dramatically in the last 24 days, including my own. I have more love in my heart than I can even explain, in a time that I should be filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, I see myself looking at everything differently and I mean everything.  I always told people that Jessica and I were so much alike it was scary — our personalities are eerily similar. The connection and closeness that Jessica and I had is what my heart and soul is crying for right now. I find myself starting to text her something so funny or something that she would typically be the first person I’d tell and then quickly realize I can no longer do that. But what I can do is live my life in honor of EVERY single day.  Jessica had so much love in her heart for her friends and Jessica had friends from ALL walks of life. She was not your typical 20 year old girl that has to be with the “in or cool” crowd; she literally had friends of all colors, races, economic backgrounds, ages, sex etc.  She inspires me to be the same way. I love and miss you Jessica.