Living a nightmare.

I’m sitting here this afternoon feeling at a loss for words. I have so many thoughts and feelings that run through my mind continually, but when I sat to type today, I have one thought that just keeps coming to the surface. August 22, 2010 was not the day that my sister died, it is the date that should be remembered as the birth of her new everlasting life; her new birth date. My mind is blown hourly that I (and my family) are making the types of decisions that I have had to make in the last 24 days. My mind is blown that tomorrow my dad and myself are going to look at headstones for my Sister. My mind simply won’t wrap itself around the finality of her life ending on this earth; call it a survival mechanism, call it God. I’ve told many of you that I am haunted by so many aspects of this horrific accident and sister (or parent) should ever have to endure what we have and my heart has always broken for those that have (even before this accident).  I’m haunted by the officers at the hospital in the middle of the night and the softness in their eyes and voice as they told me, and handed me my purse.  I’m haunted by them asking to see a photo of Jessica and my brain not working with my hands to even know how to work my phone to show them. I’m haunted by them telling me that it wasn’t just my Sister that was killed but my best friend and my twin, my world seemed to come crashing in on me. I am living my worst absolute nightmare. I have text messages are between Jessica and myself that are dated August 20th 1st and we are discussing my fear of car accidents. It’s eerie for me to read them knowing just 2 days later we were involved in one of those statistics.  At times I feel like I am living some sad lifetime movie or reading a fiction novel; the impact this has had on me and my family personally is overwhelming to say the least. No parent should have to bury their child, but the tragedy and suddenness of a life lost in a split second, is at times unbearable and I simply can’t even make myself get out of bed to start my day. I hope and sometimes believe that I will see here again. However, this does not ease my pain of hurt, sadness, loneliness and yes even anger. I was telling a good friend last night that I’ve always hoped to live to a ripe old age and have her nearby. I am now ready for this life and world to be over; this world is so cruel and unfair that I am ready to just leave it. I don’t want to live another 50 years on this earth without my Sister, my Best friend, and the person who I shared my life with by my side….my mind won’t even let me fathom a year without her let alone 50. I am determined to make each day count and never ever forget her.  She loved life and her friends and family so much. It’s sad to think that 3 children will grow up not knowing who their mother was, and how truly amazing she was. She left a huge footprint in the short time she was here and I’ve seen lives changed dramatically in the last 24 days, including my own. I have more love in my heart than I can even explain, in a time that I should be filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, I see myself looking at everything differently and I mean everything.  I always told people that Jessica and I were so much alike it was scary — our personalities are eerily similar. The connection and closeness that Jessica and I had is what my heart and soul is crying for right now. I find myself starting to text her something so funny or something that she would typically be the first person I’d tell and then quickly realize I can no longer do that. But what I can do is live my life in honor of EVERY single day.  Jessica had so much love in her heart for her friends and Jessica had friends from ALL walks of life. She was not your typical 20 year old girl that has to be with the “in or cool” crowd; she literally had friends of all colors, races, economic backgrounds, ages, sex etc.  She inspires me to be the same way. I love and miss you Jessica.