Grieving

dad with his grandchildren. 

The concept of grief is weird and largely socialized. If you are broken up with, after being in a long-term relationship, you’re allotted 3-4 months of mourning, reckless decisions, asking yourself why and no more, otherwise you’re pathetic, miserable, just can’t move on. Likewise if you go on a few dates with a guy, feel like you clicked and he doesn't want you, that situation is supposed to roll off, like water on your back. Any wallowing - you’re clingy, emotional unstable. On the other hand, if you move on quickly, date someone else, you are seen as strong, maybe even superhuman.

I think there is strength in being able to accept life and the changes life brings you with gratitude and grace, but loss and the mourning process is something that shouldn't necessary have a time limit but then again, I know people who have mourned over past loves for years and I questioned their emotional stability. Then again is that my socialized way of thinking, not being sensitive of cognizant of their development as a human being, their paths of life?

With that being said, I think I’m finally grieving over my dad’s death. My dad died September 16, 2011. I would talk about it so nonchalantly, I remember when I would start to cry, I would just stop, and the tears wouldn't fall. now when I think about him or talk about him to people, tears roll down, I start babbling about my fear of death, fear of dying alone and lonely, no spouse, fear of being unfulfilled, fear of loved ones dying before they can see me succeed and achieve the goals most important to me (marriage, getting my degree, starting a family, being established, being self-actualized), fear of never seeing my goals. I simply don’t want to die right now and I don’t want the people closest to me to die, I want them to share my achievements.

My father won’t be able to walk me down the aisle. I have no one to walk me down the aisle. I am not even sure who is supposed to. I will not ask my step father.  I guess my brother.  anyways, I’m semi-annoyed I’m a clinical vignette - experiencing grief a few months later, but like I said, you can’t put a time limit on grief because it is part of the human experience and my path and development of life… not society’s definition