I should have known.

I have learned so much from such a horrible experience. I honestly am glad I now know how to sever toxic relationships with people or things from my life.

I should have known the first time you yelled at me for spending time with my friends.
I should have known when you’d make me feel guilty for being with my own family over you. 
I should have known when you wouldn't allow me to be alone.
I should have known when you completely cut me off from my friends. 
I should have known when you’d make me choose you over school, 
I should have known the first time you called me a bitch. 
I should have known when “bitch” became a regular thing.
I should have known when “bitch” progressed to “dumb slut.”
I should have known the first time you screamed at me, and the first time you screamed at me for hours. 
I should have known the first time you started calling everything I enjoyed stupid, causing me to suppress myself and to try to ignore the person I really am.
I should have known the first time you punched a hole in the wall. 
I should have known the first time you started throwing things in arguments.
I should have known the first time you firmly grabbed me by my wrist or arm.
I should have known the first time you pushed me. 
I should have known the first time you kicked me, when I was already on the ground. 
I should have known the first time you grabbed me by my neck, holding me up with my feet a foot off the ground. 
I should have known the first time you yelled at me, insulted me, or physically pushed me off of you and onto the ground during sex because “I wasn't into it” when the sex was without a doubt forced. 
Everyday you made me feel like shit for not wanting to and would get mad to the point where I would just give in. Usually I would end up crying and he wouldn't even notice because it was never about me. Sex was always unpleasant when I didn't want it, and it would often hurt me and still hurt days after. When he would notice I was crying he only got mad because I “ruined” it. He’d yell at me and call me names, it was always my fault and I needed to “stop being such a baby and start acting like I liked it.” Sex should never make you feel that awful. I am nervous now that any other sexual partner I have will be so difficult to please, and I’m constantly worried of doing something wrong. A normal person would tell you politely what they want, not forcefully fuck you and get mad when you’re not “into it.” because your not into them. I always spaced out until it was done, trying not to think about it. I did this nearly every day. Every damn day, for four years. I put up with all this shit every fucking day, and although you 100% caused my anxiety, I’m glad I dealt with such a mess because I will NEVER go through this again.
I never stood up for myself, I always accepted it was my fault and that I was the problem. To this day, I am still scared. I can’t handle confrontation or arguements without breaking down. When my friends get flustered and raise their voices, I get scared. I know they will never physically hurt me but anytime I get yelled at I shrink up and everyone else is so big and powerful, and here I am cowering and crying because someone got slightly upset with me. I’m getting better at handling it though