Merry Christmas Jessica

Boy did I need this verse today. Every day is torturous without Jessica, and I was prepared for today to not be any different. I was wrong. Today was worse!

I had 19 Christmas’ shared with my sister….today was like someone was slowly suffocating me but expecting me to continue to breathe.  It started late last night I looked at the stockings hanging and noticing that Jessica’s would remain empty was a knife to the heart. I sat and stared at her stocking and cried and simply longed for her.

This morning as every one slowly woke to open gifts (thank God the kids sleep in), I dreaded going downstairs and seeing the empty spot where Jess always sat to open her presents. The kids had a great Christmas and for awhile my mind was occupied and we enjoyed each other. But like always it doesn’t take long for the aching for Jessica to return and I have to keep the smile on my face while inside I’m being torn apart.

I went and visited with Jessica yesterday evening, alone. I sat with her and talked with you as I typically do. Today was so emotional I could hardly remember how to breathe. My tears started before I even got out of my car….the realization that the cemetery is where I have to go to visit my sister on Christmas now. Yes, I am well aware that Jessica is not “there”. However, the only body I ever knew my sister in, is there, right there in that cold ground. That’s where I go to feel close to her.

To say that any of us felt a “void” today is the understatement of the year! As I’ve stated before, there simply aren’t words big enough and powerful enough to describe the pain and sadness that we all feel.

I read a few things on FB today in regards to people having “bad days” or “a disappointing Christmas’” and yes, while pain is pain and we all have crappy days and unfortunate circumstances in life; I just urge you all to step back and remember and recognize what is TRULY IMPORTANT in life and to know, it could always be worse. You could be visiting people you love at the cemetery each day.  I know Jessica has taught me to appreciate EVERY minute that I have on this earth with those that I love and everything else is irrelevant now…everything.

I hope each and every one of you had a Christmas filled with love.