Confused?

I feel I am failing all you as I have no strength to share lately. I am in a darker place now than ever before.  Today has been an incredibly difficult day and the feeling of emptiness for my sister has overcome me with weariness. I see no conceivable end in sight for my sadness, and that scares me.

I’m angry today wondering how millions of people cheat death and live life on the edge and somehow make it out alive….yet my sister was doing everything right on the night she died…….and now I am left trying to figure out how we can ever possibly go on.

I have feelings inside that I don’t even know how to deal with and feelings that equate to exploding anger and rage……anger for a life taken too soon and rage of a sister who desperately wants to talk to her sister just one more time.

My brain is a mess with confusion and frustration because there are no words that can possibly describe this sadness, emptiness, loneliness, anger, desperation, longing, weariness, depression, fear and grief that is all rolled into one and living inside of us. I’m terrified of my future and my sister's children’s future without the presence of Jessica; terrified that we have all been destroyed beyond repair.