Two Men

I was presented with Jessica’s autopsy this morning and the knot and sickness in the pit of my stomach has not subsided. The 2 coroners who told my family that Jessica died, were the same 2 that arrived this morning.  I’ve said it before and as you can well imagine, I am haunted by their voices and presence. 

I processed what they were telling me but in small fragments. I stayed busy after they left so as not to have to think too much about what the report said. It wasn’t until I had some time alone that I decided to read the report more in depth. I found myself reading a horrific nightmare on paper, unfortunately it was my reality and Jessica’s reality.

These are the moments when my anger begins to flare. I know we aren't promised tomorrow, but WHY did it have to be in such a horrific manner?!  Jessica didn’t die peacefully in her sleep Jessica was scared and died violently, if only for a split second, and now we are all left with the morbid details of the accident and of her death.  My heart is screaming because I am haunted by her death, not because she is in eternity, but how she had to get there.  How do I get past that how do any of us get past that?  HOW do I recover from the reality of how she died?

Unfortunately, I believe that I am asking questions that there simply are no good answers for……I believe the answer is, we don’t recover and we don’t put it to rest, we simply learn to breathe again and to walk again with this pain living inside of us.

I feel discouraged this evening and I hope that doesn’t disappoint those of you that tell me how strong I am. I am strong but I am weak, I am human and I am broken.